


Show me the stars

by Shirohime



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Addiction, Anorexia, Depression, Eren and Armin are best friends, Levi is mute, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Disorder, Mental Illness, OCD, POTD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-07
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 12:05:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3895684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shirohime/pseuds/Shirohime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi has never had shown interest in social life. But after the 'accident' he completely shuts down. Locking himself up in his room his last friend Petra has no other choice than to somehow get him into a hospital seeing him getting thinner and thinner and covered in more cuts every time he sneaks out of his door to get the water bottle Petra has set down there for him.<br/>With Erwin's help she manages to get him into a hospital. Things are getting a bit complicated from then on.<br/>(A.K.A. I realls suck at summaries, my dearest apologies)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost colors

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo there qwq,  
> so basically that is my first fancfiction I will completely write in Englisch so please tell me wherever I might be making mistakes ~  
> Also,I might not be uploading smoothly because tbh I am writing when I am in the exact same mood I put my protagonists/antagonists in and I never know when that will happen x.x

How can it be so hard to move on. To keep doing things you've once been doing instinctively.

 

How am I not able to feel pain anymore.

Why do I suddenly prefer complete loneliness.

When was the last time I left this room?

 

Shadows are dancing around the walls, the are bullying me, my own shadow cursing me, my own thoughts strangling me. I don't move. I don't breath. I don't do anything else than sitting in my own numbness, arms slung around my own legs in a fetal position, tired paranoid eyes watching the dark around me only enlightened by the light of my laptop. It's the only world I don't need to be me. I can act different. Normal. My actions not controlled by my disorders.

I've once had a social, yeah a normal life. Though I abandoned all of it after...the accident. They just stopped existing in a matter of seconds.

 

It's my fault. My arms. They died in my-

Blood rins down my arms in a disguisting way as I scratch open my skin in fear of the memories that are close to overwhelming me once again. It doesn't even hurt. It's not even nearly enough. I need more. More of it. More potential pain. Making me able of getting even closer to them. I want to join them. Don't leave me alone.

I snap out of my thoughts hearing a soft knock at the door of my room. I don't respond the desperately cheerful voice of the only one who hasn't stopped carying about me yet. But I move. Even if I don't want to. My feet are hurrying towards the door, awful fat wobbling around in the black pair of sweatpants I am wearing, and barely am able to stop myself in front of the wooden door. But I do. I impatiently wait for Petra to go away before I snap the door open and hastily grab the bottle of water she uses to leave in front of my room.

We've been friends since we were toddlers and appearantly she is not so easy to get rid of. Just when I am about to shut the door close one more time I feel a firm grip around my arm.

_Disguisting, worthless, disguisting, worthless, don't fucking touch me_

Panic. Panic is rushing through my veins making me drop the bottle and look up in major fear.

 

Blue. Green. Golden. I can't tell which color those eyes are or maybe I just am not used to seeing colors anymore. Quickly I hide my emotions beyond those well-worn mask of mine one more time.

Only one more time. My breath is unsteady,flat and I want to die.

What is that fucker thinking of first, catching me off-guard and second, not speaking a word now that he appearently succeeded?

His gaze is fixing me in place, scanning over the countless scars and open self-inflicted wounds I bare on my body and while he is distracted with whatever he is doing I try to escape those muscular arms of a model. Key word: try.

 

"No."

 

A simple word. Able to be said in so many ways. Able to express so many things. But with those shitty low but temptated voice it's clear that I am caged. He doesn't even think of letting me go sometime soon.

Silently my brain starts to imagine how he either would kill me with his force or with the shitload of bacteries the fucker is surely carying around with him.

Would I have been in a better state of fitness I would definitely beat that asshole up and lock myself up in those incredibly calming room of mine.

 

About a minute later Petra shows up, tears in her eyes as her gaze catches my oh so filthy body but it's pain that I cause her. Not joy. Not happiness. I could never cause that to anybody.

 

_One, two,three, breath, one, two, three, breath. Be patient. Don't faint. Concentrate. Concentrate on what is happening you dumbass!_

 

But I can't obey my mind. Three months of barely even seeing food my body is not ready to bear with the situation. Too much actions. Too many muscles to move. I just want to go back into my room.

Despite the harsh "no" I had recieved earlier I start to struggle, laying all my left strenght into the kicks and punches whith which I want to free myself but eventually my legs give in, no longer carying the weight I had trusted them to lift every day, and because of my harsh movements I slightly fall backwards ramming my head against the side of the doorway.

 _Fantastic_ , I sarcastically think before my brain shuts down and I don't feel anything anymore.

 

\---------

 

They told me that crying was useless.

Pain is showing weakness.

I am not allowed to show pain.

Emotions are to confuse and distract you from the path you are made for to walk.

I can't let emotions overcome me.

I am not allowed to lose control.

Neither over me nor over others.

Stay away from me, leave me be.

Connecting to someone means increasing the possibility of hurting them.

_You are fine with being alone._

 

There are no sounds around me. No disgustingly bright sunshine pooring through my closed eyelids.

Did I finally end this shit of a life?

I can't tell. Not yet. My eyes... they need to open. Wait. No, they don't. As long as everything is covered in calming darkness I don't need to worry.

Everything here is the same. No filth dirtying the black around me. No loud voices with their horrible laughter and happiness.

 

I would be fine with everything staying in this state of surrender. But as cruel as life is, it does not allow me to surrender.

Whoever is above all of this hell appearantly finds it funny to torture me. There is a reason why I do not believe in god.

 

"Dr. Smith, he is awoken"

 

A young man's voice. Awfully innocent.

My soul cringes, being forced into life another time. With the voice dropping into my mind I start to feel my limbs again.

 _Disguisting_.

Somehow my arms and legs feel even heavier than they'd before.

_Even gaining weight in sleep? How pathetic._

 

Oh. So really nothing changed except the fact that I am no longer in my safe-space.

I could lie in filth.

My mind goes blank with the imagination of myself covered in blood. Drowning in poodles of their blood. Drowning. Drowning....

 

Blinding white murders my eyes as I let them snap open mouth gaping open in a silent scream. Of course there is no sound. Never has a sound left those lips. Those lying bastards of lips.

I need a moment for my eyes to adjust to the unusual brightness around me.

 _No way am I dead_.

Hate raises up from my feet pushing its poisoned way up to my heart making it stutter in frustration.

The rushing of feet. Footsteps are coming closer.

If I had a wish free I would wish to be back in my room. It's too bright here. Too happy. I don't deserve any of this.

 

_If you'd really want to kill yourself, nobody would be able to stop you._

 

"Mr. Ackerman, can you hear me? If yes you just need to nod"

 

That's not innocent boy's voice. It's darker. I know this voice. It's hard to not let my gaze flicker over to him to prove my guess of him being the one who caught me when I was about to grab the bottle.

I do not react.

_Control, Levi. Control yourself. If you have to be a fool, don't bother them with all the filth in your actions._

 

"Mr. Ackerman?", the voice asks and I can imagine him furrowing his brows.

His shilouette appears next to me, blue-green eyes piercing through me when I don't react fast enough to avoid his gaze and stare at the cieling.

A small - relieved?- smile creeps up his face but is long gone when I realize what it means.

_Shit_

 

"U-uhm Mr.Smith, it's written here that he is mute, he won't be able to answer your questions properly."

 

_Shit for brains. That brat really thinks I can't communicate with who I want to communicate with? Bullshit. There is a difference between not wanting to communicate and not being able to communicate._

 

My jaw clenches shortly in annoyance. Oh how long had I not had to bear with such dumb feelings just like being annoyed or being angry. It does not help. Those feelings are as useless as crying is.

 

"No need to worry, Eren. I am sure we will find a way to communicate. Won't we, Mr.Ackerman?"

 

Smooth asshead. I don't react at all, glancing over my own body just slightly to find my arms and tummy covered in thick layers of bandages.

Oh, right. I forgot the multiple cuts I did to free myself even more.

A sigh leaves the blue-eyed man's mouth as he turns around to face the uncomfortably shifting brat.

"Tell Hanji to not come over here today. She'd probably make it even worse. Got it?"

"But they said it would be necessea-"

"Just be so nice and tell them not to, alright? ", the tone in which he speaks makes clear that there was no other option allowed.

But there still iy that gentle smile placed on the blonde's face.

 _I want to sleep_.

 

My limbs feel numb and my eyelids are going heavier second by second.

"Ah. Seems like it still kicks in, huh? Just let me introduce myself to you properly; My name is Erwin Smith and I will be your doctor for as long as you are staying here"

_Just let me sleep_

"I would appreciate it for you to call a nurse the next time you wake up and I am not around. Eren and Armin will be having an eye on you, so don't worry"

 

What the hell does he think that he is? Ordering me things like a little child. ... I drive off by the sound of Erwin mumbling more stuff I can not bring myself to listen to anymore.


	2. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out I have to edit nearly everthing of the chapters as long as I type them on my laptop and not here xc  
> So well, I won't promise this chapter is finished the way I will upload it first.~

When your thoughts start to strangle you, the first idea you get is that sleep would be your only escape. Well, it's not that simple. For maybe it does work at the beginning all that will happen afterwards, is that you wake up crying, shouting or even just gasping for air because you just've been experiencing another nightmare.

But you also will get used to it.

_“W-we won't die, right? W-w-w-we'll be fine, right? Right, big brother?”_

Green, in fear wide-opened eyes are invading my unconscious mind, alarming my senses.

_It's not real._

_It's not real, Levi, they are dead._

_No more fooling around. Weak. Pathetic. Be aware._

_Don't... don't let them go._

_Why._

_Why_

_Why?_

 

Heavy eyelids snap open as I sit straight up, a soundless gasp leaving my lips while my brain still tries to get over the nightmare.

Someone's footsteps are coming closer, they sound hurried.

I don't get why.

The sound of voices around me are not really getting through, my vision is fuzzy as it always uses to get when I am struggling to get my control back. But I don't even try to focus on those voices. 

I don't _want_ to be seen in this state of lost control and weakness. It awakens my self-hate even more.

_How am I not able to control myself?_

Eventually there's a strong hand on my shoulder making me panic and focus on who is standing beside my bed. 

It's the innocence voiced brat. 

I can see his lips moving but the words won't make sense to me. 

_Stop._

Harshly biting my lower lip all of my thoughts and my racing mind gets capsulated. Abandoned in the depth of my brain. Thrown away like the garbage it is to meet with all the other suppressed thoughts of mine. 

The voice begins to become more clear.

"Armin, where's Dr.Smith? Are we allowed to give him something to calm down?"

The boy sounds worried.

_Funny_

"I-I don't know, I will go search him!"

When the other boy speaks I recognize that I was trying to stand up and probably run which is why Eren had put his hand on my shoulder with a soft but steady pressure to lay me down again.

Footsteps are rushing away.

_Don't fucking touch me._

Without caring about how absolutely much my damned arm hurts and how heavy it feels I brush the brats hand off my shoulder.

Teal, almost sea-green eyes.

 _Isabel_.

_No. Fucking shit no!_

If I'd have the ability to speak, I would have screamed by now, but the only thing I can manage is trying not to let my shock show on my face. To not show the kid how absolutely wrecked I am. 

He looks at me, those familiar eyes locked into mine with bright worry written all over them. Holy shit, he is an open book. 

Somehow I stop the slight hyperventilation I've had and curl up in  a sitting position as far away from Eren as posibble. 

Arms slung around my legs I almost feel like a rabbit trying not to be seen by the old big wolf. 

 

Tears are forming in the edges of my eyes. 

_What? You wanna cry? Bastard. The fuck will you do. Stop being an incompetent adult. You have to fucking move on._

Brilliant. Brilliant fucking mind. 

I almost don't notice how a shadow covers me a while later.

_Who? Oh, probably that shithead of a doctor_

It still is hard to concentrate but I don't care. 

"How long has he been acting this way?"

His voice is calm and it immediately calms my nerves. I have no idea why. Is it because that titan of a man is way taller than me so I feel protected?

_Bullshit_

Whatever it is a part of me thanks him for calming me. 

I barely move my head glancing at him through my bangs. His eyes aren't green. They are blue. 

A deep but also bright blue. And those eyebrows of his are freaking  _huge_.

"A while, Sir. I guess he might have had a nightmare or something, I saw him trying to stand up when I walked by...", Eren answers the question only to get a humming sound back.

Smith's hands are coming closer and I _know_ that he might only want to check if I react but immediately there is a wall that shuts down in my brain and I stare at him with the most murderous gaze I am able to create while pressing my back further into the wall at the end of the bed I'm sitting on.

Something flickers through the giant's eyes and he slightly draws back.

"It doesn't seem necesseary to calm him down now since he seems to have calmed down himself."

Oh that fucker's voice. It is like honey sweetening and relaxing the anxiety in me.

And I have no idea what is stronger; my desire to tell him I am perfectly fine without any further help or the wish to just not do anything again and let the darkness embrace me.

Hands are forming signs.

_What...?_

Almost as if I had lost control again I start to "speak", hoping that none of the three men standing around me are able to understand what I am telling. 

The movements are barely visible. 

 

It shocks me when I get an answer. From Dr. asshead Smith.


End file.
